Yay I saw Charles and Hamster bald(-ish)!

And they don't look half bad! haha.

I was reading other friends' blogs, and I've realised that all my close-and-rather-close friends are having lots of fun with other people, and I'm not included.

While this may sound petulant and whiney, I guess I can't help wishing that sometime in their lives they'd remember me.

This is it: I need to find new friends too. Rawrrrrrr!!

And I've realised that while I somewhat enjoy being independant, I do wish sometimes, there was someone out there (who's not my mum ha ha) who would care enough about me to hope I get home safely, to hope I'm not lonely and to want for the best for me.

But enough whinging. I've been lucky with that before, multiple times. I guess I'll just have to be patient.

I'm so whiney and self-centred in this post aren't I? I need to get out more. Earlier wasn't enough.

Grumpy and stuck in a rut!

There are so many things I want to do, and the level-headed, sensible person in me says I can't handle all that I want to take on, but the dreamer still wants to do it anyway.
However I'm way too fucking lazy to do much. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

I've stayed home the entire week so far, save for an hour grocery shopping (yes laugh) at Toa Payoh on Tuesday. It must be some kind of record. I'm going out tomorrow night though, thank goodness. I'm sick of being a hermit.

Though I've been sleeping so much during the day, I think I can see eyebags (and I NEVER have eyebags) oh God. What I really need here is a good solid eight hours or more of sleep.

Won't happen.

I had a weird dream earlier this afternoon during one of my many naps. I didn't know I still cared. Needless to say, it rather unerved me. Also, all this time at home doing nothing allows me to think, and I realise... Ok never mind you don't want to know what I've realised. Let's just say some people are so hard to forget, no matter how much and how hard I try, and leave it at that.

I feel really dead nowadays. Maybe it's the prolonged lack of social stimulation, maybe it's not. I just feel so apathetic, and well, at a loss with what to do with myself.

I need to get out more.

Mervyn wants me to do this, and I'm bored enough to comply wtf.

7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
- I get bored with my hair easily
- I was the slackest vice-captain ever.
- I'm almost constantly broke
- and when I'm not broke, I make myself broke in no time.
- I like attention
- I hate it when people want to go out, but leave it to me to organise things.
- I have a lot of people blocked on MSN

7 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
- Failing
- Losing myself
- Not being able to fulfil my expectations
- Growing old and useless
- Getting sunburn
- Obtaining embarrassing stains on any article of clothing
- Waking up to find someone stole my kidney.

7 RANDOM SONGS
- Midnight Express - Nuno Bettencourt
- Hole Hearted - Extreme
- Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
- Wasted Time - Skid Row
- Un Angelo - Patrizio Buanne
- Starry Eyes - Motley Crue
- Maggie May - Rod Stewart

7 THINGS I LOVE
- Myself (God I'm a narcissist)
- Family and friends
- Good relationsips
- Being around people
- Being alone
- My little techno-items such as Freddie and Larry
- My dreams

7 THINGS I SAY MOST
- what the fuck
- haha
- oooooook (set)
- fuckkkk
- k k k
- Hello!
- alright

7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS
- I
- Honestly
- Don't
- Know,
- Whoever
- Wants
- To?

Ok boredom made me read my old blog, and well aside from the very depressing, emo posts that make up the last few weeks of that blog, I realised I was happy, at least most of the time.

How does that become self-loathing, hatred for oneself and a general feeling of discontent and discomfort in the mind?

I was bored so I did this, and it makes a nice wallpaper and I'm sure the file is huuuuuuge and I'm bored again, still bored was bored will be bored!

rawr.

I'm not a very nice person lately. In fact, if I met myself along the street and heard stuff, I'd probably hate myself. Sigh.

I had my first driving lesson today, and well it was really fun! I had apprehensions about driving a manual car at first, but it's well, I wouldn't say easy peasy, but I got used to it pretty quick!
My instructor calls me his "rock chick student", and he's some ex-raver-presently-sometimes-racer-part-time-driving-instructor. hahaha.
He used to be a racer! Like when he studied in NZ, and now he races in Malaysia from time to time. Yes, a racer, like what me, Merv, Chingy, Aza and Terence suspect Big Jon (haha) is.

Speaking of Terence, Mr Chen Binghui's going to be happy I finally succumbed and conformed, and ordered a shirt from threadless.
Damn you threadless.com, why are your tees so cute that I had to buy one?

































Zap there goes my money. Now I'll have to either leech off someone, or hermit myself for the rest of the week.

and I'm rather stunned by the realisation of how mortal we all are. You know, we don't really feel our own mortality until something happens to either us, or people close to us.
Not just "oh, you know, my friend's friend's cousin contracted blah blah..",
more like your close friend has something and it's made you realise how fragile lives really are.

And it scares me.

I just cycled to Potong Pasir to buy juice. Now how bored is that?

It's raining

and I don't feel so good. Either the rain's making me gloomy or something's just getting me down. I think I'm falling sick too, I'm achy all over, my body temperature feels too high and I don't feel very sociable. Yet right now I crave good company, what a conundrum.
I'm very bored and I need to find something to do; I've many things to do but I've lost all drive and motivation to do them.
I can't even tell what day it is..
ok wait it's Saturday/ Sunday morning, I just checked.

Driving lessons tomorrow morning later at 10:20am. Exciting, but right now I can't even work up the enthusiasm.

Hello Mr.Y

I'm not going to hide this post, I just want to say whatever's on my mind. I don't know if you even read my blog anymore, I doubt you do, but a part of me hopes that sometimes, maybe, you check back here to see how I'm doing. A part of me hopes you take the time to read my posts - all and every part of them.

I wish I could tell all this to you face-to-face or even on the phone, but I don't trust my emotions; I'll just lose control of myself which would not be good. So I'm typing it out here, in this little corner of cyberspace, hoping that you'd read it.

The bottom line here is: I fucking miss you.
I've missed you since you said you wanted time to sort yourself out. I've missed you since the very last time I saw you, which was that Thursday you went jamming at night. I miss talking to you, laughing with you. I miss looking at you and have you make funny faces back at me. I miss sticking our faces close together and poking your nose and avoiding you when you try to retaliate.

I'm sorry for feeling this way, I know it's pathetic and you probably don't reciprocate these feelings anymore, though last time you did. I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me, and how much you turned my life around. Before I met you I was moodless and depressed, and I didn't have much interest in anything anymore, and you changed all that. You used to tell me I changed your life too, made you happier and all.
No matter what you may think, you're not a rebound at all. Far from it. It's not like I picked you just because you were there, that's completely untrue because well, you weren't the only one there.

I picked you cause you're special and I felt that I could believe in you, and I did and still do.
You used to make me feel so special too, and no matter what you say, no matter how you try to tell me to forget you, I just can't do it. Though it hurts a lot, I can't forget you at all.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too. It's really pathetic to be like this, just wondering, trying to occupy myself so I think less. However, you know my mind, I tend to think a lot regardless of what I'm doing, and I can safely say that you occupy my thoughts at least 90% of the time.

I'm so afraid to speak to you, afraid of what you may think of me. I know that if you did start talking to me again - through whatever medium, be it a phone call, text messaging or even msn - I'd be one of the most happy people in this world.
I just wish we would talk again, and we'd take things from the start and work our way slowly from there.

I need you.

And this song..



You sang it to me once. I think you meant it then, and I believed you. I wish you still meant it. Wish you still mean it. I wish I could talk to you and fix things.I wish you read this. I wish someone would tell you how much I miss you. I wish you'd talk to me. I wish, I wish... I wish you knew how much I need you, and that I still believe in you.

Why not sing this again, like you did before?

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compared with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Thought I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more

Here I am again..

Being online almost all the time when I'm home (and I'm home a lot), leaving Larry running overnight (which I'm sure is totally not good for him), staring at msn nicknames trying to read too deeply into them, pirating music (I am a Viking), ripping CDs, loading more music into Freddie, staring at the same msn nickname still trying to figure it out, playing random songs on my guitar, trying to convince myself to move my lazy ass and form a band (I'm so terribly shy), reading, reading some more..

This is how my life has been since...you. and well, no matter what, I still really do miss you SO FUCKING MUCH. ):.

I bought two canvases today, I have a Great Plan for them which should happen soon, I've felt the stirrings of inspiration since I was doodling in my sketchbook a couple of weeks ago. Now I just have to get motivated enough to plan it out and I'll be on a roll!
I'll show pictures if it turns out nice.

I've been thinking a lot about the future. Now I'm accepted into the Specialist Diploma programme, it's occurred to me that I'll have to Work My Lazy Ass Off for the next two years. It's worth it though, seeing as I've wanted this since I selected SP DMC as my first choice.
If it's worth starting, it's worth doing all the way, no?
And well I must say I've been very lucky (maybe it's not luck) with my whole polytechnic education so far.
-crosses fingers and knocks on wood-

Charles and Hamster going into army tomorrow has made me think a lot about the future. Thank goodness I'm a girl and I won't lose two years whilst I'm in army. On the other hand, maybe those two years help a 'body grow up more, so that when one gets out, they know more about what they want to do in life.
hmm.
Well I won't find out, it'd be a pretty chilly day in hell before I enlist myself.

As I told Sean the other night, I'm going to have to do a lot of soul searching.
Sean already has a mission in life, a goal to achieve and a plan on how to do it, while I have.. nada. Nothing.
It makes me feel a tad inadequate, after all, quite a few people I know have already planned out what to do when they've graduated/ got out of army/ etc.
Even if it's just a decision to go overseas/ apply for a local university to further their studies, it's more than I've got.

I guess I'll take up my mum's offer and go overseas, study for another year or so and upgrade my diploma into a degree. A degree in what, I've no idea yet. I've no idea what I want to do in life, something in media? Honestly I can't see myself doing any job at the moment.

All this is good and bad at the same time. I guess there's no time like the present to start thinking about the future, my future.
However if you know me, I tend to over-think, and well that's not exactly good since my mind can run away like nobody's business, like how it's been doing lately.

Ok I didn't mean for this entry to be so long, really, I opened blogger to post pictures of someone HOTTTTTTTTT.
Maybe he was hotter when he was younger (aren't almost all of them?) but Nuno Bettencourt, from Extreme, is hot nonetheless!

There, see, a classic example of how my mind grabs the reins from everything else and bolts like it's got the hounds of hell on its tail. My fingers are rather tired from typing non-stop (as is the case when I get inspired - nothing stops) and my mind is still whirring and spinning and churning out thoughts that would probably get emptied out here sooner if not later; if only to keep some semblance of order in my head.

Anyway, Nuno Bettencourt!

hot sexxx!

marry him? ok! and Dexian would like Joan Jett.

and I really meant it when I said I loved you.

It's strange how things never seem to turn out the way I want them to. It may take months, or just weeks, but somehow, things tend to crash around me.

Am I that bad? Is it easy to get tired of me quickly? Am I not funny enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not good looking enough, not interesting enough?
Just not good enough?
Why do such sudden 180 degree changes in feelings happen?
This is really pathetic, I know I can't say anything that'll change things, but I seriously still miss you - despite everything - and, well a few nights ago you said you did too. If you weren't ready why get involved? Why make me so happy and secure for three weeks and then pull it all from under me? Cause you really did make me happy, and for a while there I think you were happy too. From messages in my phone, converstaions face-to-face and online, you made me believe that I'd made you so happy, that I turned your life around and pulled you up like you did with mine, and I really meant something to you. Did I ever?
You wanted "clingy", well how ironic that for the whole week I've tried my hardest not to be that. You've no idea how hard it was not to call you and cry, and try to patch things up. You said you needed time and I respected that, though it hurt to not talk like we used to. On hindsight, I should've just gone with my feelings and contacted you whenever I wanted to. Isn't hindsight cruel?
It was never cause you were "just there", I really, truly felt something with you and maybe you did too. I thought you did too.
But I'll never know, huh?
It's pathetic, but I wish you wouldn't write me off yet.
I'm pathetic aren't I?
Twice?

fuck, I'm sure you all know there're hidden words in this entry, it's kind of obvious now isn't it, with the huge gap and all. Oh well. Read them if you want to I don't care if everyone knows how I feel anymore.

I just wish the person that those words were intended for actually read them, and well, thought about them.

I don't know, I don't know what to feel anymore.

Hugh Grant can sing. Go watch Music and Lyrics.

I never thought it'd turn out this way. I never expected it to. It's just deja vu all over again. Like part two, a very bad sequal. I thought it'd be different, I really did. You made me feel special, made me feel loved and worth it.

I guess I was so wrong.
I guess I'm not worth much.
I guess I'm not worth your time.

I don't know what to feel now. I feel numb, but I know it's just a barrier in me, and when that dam breaks I don't know what will happen.
I don't think I want to know what would happen.

I wish I was special
So fucking special.

"In Repair"



This song speaks volumes to me - so much so that I created an account on imeem.com so I could upload the song to put here. It means a lot to me personally at the moment.
Maybe it does to you too.
I guess we all go through a state of repair, once - or more often than not - multiple times in our lives.
I understand how you feel,
I think I'm in this state, except it's quite a bit less now than it was maybe a month or so ago.
And it's because of you. Yes, you.
All we need is patience when people go through it.
And I'll wait for you, because I think you're worth waiting for.
I wonder who actually reads all the rubbish I babble.
Do you read it?
I miss you so much.


Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh I'm never really ready, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but i'm getting there

"Charrrrlieeeeee! We're going to Caaandyyy Mountainnnnnnnnnn!"


Everyone should watch this. It makes Vivien's toes tingle and makes her all warm and fuzzy inside. Or something like that.




Anyway, these were the people who made secondary school worth it (:

















This is us sane..



















.. and retarded.

And I miss you all and I haven't seen Mun and Su in more than a year, and we should all hang out soon and Su don't bring along Ms. Myanmar.

maybe I know I'm overly-romantic and sentimental, but I have this teeny, weeny little romantic wish/ notion that won't go away...

(and it has to do with chords, singing and playing the Lonestar song below)

Baby, Let's Be Us Again



Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again
I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I dont why I said the things I said
Lets be us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Us again

Look at me Im way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us
Ohhh

Baby baby, what would I do
Can't imagine life without you

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Oh here I am I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Oh, lets be us again

I just don't know what to do with myself..

I spent the whole of today sleeping to pass the day away again.
It's a frightening flashback to oh, about three weeks ago?
And this afternoon I cried again, for the first time in three weeks.
I miss people too, really I do, but I've accepted the fact that I need to move on.
Will you?
Please don't leave me hanging, I've had too much of that already.
Don't leave.
I'm so lost once more, without you.

Name: NICOLA WONG MEI YIN

Module Code - Credit Unit - Grade
---------------------------------
LC0716 - 3 - A
BA0226 - 4 - B
BA0095 - 4 - B
BA0236 - 4 - B+
BA0165 - 3 - C+
SP0702 - 2 - C+
MS003A - 2 - C+
BA0217 - 4 - D-



SEMESTER GPA: 2.673
CUMULATIVE GPA: 2.627

ALLOWED TO CONTINUE IN THE COURSE


OHMYGOD THANK GOODNESS I PASSED EVERYTHING!!!
And the amazing thing is my GPA actually increased!
I PASSED ECONS!!!!!

Specialist diploma now please please? I promise I'll work super hard. Come on come on!! haha

K I need to peepee.
And my hands are still shaking.

now life would be perfect if...

oh fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Chingy's friend got his results already, and apparently WH's results were scheduled for 1030am.
That means mine will be out by.. 2:30am?

I'm staying up for them.
Who am I kidding I'll be awake anyway.
I feel like screaming.
I'm so scared my hands are shaking.
I'm so afraid that my heart is beating double time.
I think I'm falling sick.
My headache won't go away. Maybe it's a premonition, a sign of bad things to come.
My neck feels hot and my fingers and feet are ice cold.
What if I die waiting?
Who will look at my results then?
I keep opening my email inbox.

Fuck I feel like crying now.
Over what I don't know.

This is retarded.

Oh God results are out tomorrow.
-or rather, later today.
In less than 12 hours!!

Pleasepleasepleaseplease let me pass everything. Even Economics. Especially Economics.

I'm so scared.

help help help..

Come closer, I'll tell you a secret..

MY MIDDLE NAME IS MEI YIN!!!

hahaha.

Nicola Mei Yin Wong. It's listed in every yearbook from Melbourne Grammar. heheh.

haha gosh. Come, lets see who actually does this. Post it in the "comments" part at the bottom of this post (:


How much do you know about me?
YOU fill in the blanks about ME ... even if you don't have any idea, and send it back to me.

My name:
Summarize me in three words:
Where did we meet?:
Take a stab at my middle name?:
How long have you known me?:
When is the last time that we saw each other?:
Do I drink?:
Do I smoke?:
Am I happy?:
Am I a good person?:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me?:
What's one of my favorite things to do?:
Am I funny?:
How do you make me smile?:
What's my favorite type of music?:
Have you ever seen me cry?:
Can I sing?:
What is the best feature about me?:
Am I shy or outgoing?:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?:
Do I have any special talents?:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)?:
I'm hot? Am I not? Go ahead, you can say ... :
Have I seen you naked?:
Have you ever hugged me?:
Kissed me?:
What is my favorite food?:
Have you ever had a crush on me?:
Am I dating anyone?:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?:
What's your favorite memory of me?:
Who do I like right now?:
What is my worst habit?:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends?:
Do you want us to be more than friends?:
Am I family oriented?:

Lately I've been feeling so blue.

I've got stomach flu or something too. Not being able to digest food properly really isn't helping. Neither is the constant nagging nausea.

It's hard to encapsulate the feeling, to put it into words.
I feel so low, so down, for no apparent reason.


I'm so glad I got to see Viv today (:
It warms my heart to know we still keep in touch, and that you'll be there for me Sim Sum!

I still remember when Gill and I used to sing this in the lobby of Meritus Mandarin Hotel to pass time while being door bitches!

Mr. Yap Shirong, you're the most special person whom I know who doesn't go to a special school.
(:

Maybe if I pretended hard enough..

I'd be who I appear to be.
Confident, friendly? An extrovert, someone happy all the time, someone who has barely any problems and someone who just breezes through life. In fact I'm the complete opposite. The real me is fucking shy, and I try to be extroverted to cover the fact that I'm a cowering introvert.
I'm rather afraid to meet new people because I always wonder what they think of me.
I'm afraid to go for job interviews and anything that requires a personal assessment because I think I'm not good enough.
I'm afraid to sing in a band because I'd always be wondering what people think and if I'd be good enough.
Heck, I'm afraid to write, afraid to telephone for a job interview or even a fucking restaurant reservation because I'm always wondering if I'm good enough to do it, afraid that the recepient would think 'who the fuck does she think she is?'

Doesn't sound like me? Then I've covered well. But never mind, disregard this post, this blatant confession and baring of my inner self. Go on thinking that I'm the person who's mostly happy and sails through life.

I'm sorry now after reading this that you all know I'm not who I seem to be. Don't treat me differently. Pretend you don't know, alright?

It'll be our little secret.


In other news, results will be out.. next week?

It should be sometime next week, and I'm just so fucking scared.
There's dear Economics, and Intro. to PR and Advertising, and even one of the fucking stupidest modules, IDEAs, and I could possibly fail all three.
Whoohoo.
As if it's not bad enough that I'm a year older than my batch, if I have to forward any modules I'll slip even further behind.

Sometimes I think my life is just leading up to a dead end. The metaphorical brick wall; and I'll just cruise along unknowingly until I smash into it and the blood splatter would cover the road and beyond in a river of crimson, and everyone walking along will slip and fall.
CSI wouldn't know what happened.

I need to take action and do something, start writing and start developing a very thick skin to rejection, and start sending in things.

That's the problem. I don't know where to start.